Some people hold mock arguments while they shower or when they drive.
I picture myself unleashing these many options on my foes.
After-Birth Abortion
What is “after-birth abortion?”
Is it a doctor saying “it’s a girl!” and mom going “nah, I wanted a boy. Better luck next year, into the furnace with that one!”
Or is it a doctor saying “I’m so sorry, your child was strangled by its umbilical cord during birth, and now will never walk, will never understand who you are, and will likely only live for two weeks. Would you allow us to remove your newborn from life support now?” Followed by parents agonizing over this deeper than anything they’ve faced prior, in a way that the cheap, soundbite phrasing of “after-birth abortion” elides?
Parsing Police here, you’ve committed a Class 3 felony. I can’t speak to sentencing, but the max penalty allowed is “the women in your life will never fully trust you because you respect an interpretation of the Bible ahead of their human autonomy.”
Trump Rally, Ft Lauderdale, October 8, 2020
But I said to our First Lady, “Watch this tonight, Darling, it’s going to be.” And I turn to Lester Holt, number two show. I turn to Lester Holt, and one story was saying the games I play are stupid, another was about the environment, another was about something else, my stupid games, it was a bad hit on me, another one, something else. Now they went to the longest commercial I’ve ever seen.
COUGH cough
And then they went onto the second half again and again and again, she looked at me, “Darling, they say you play stupid games,” I said, “It’s impossible. The games I play are very smart. All the best senators tell me so. It’s impossible.”
SSSSNNNNNiff
The China Virus? I played a game all year long. The Economy, Dow Jones, I score great in those games. You know it. America sees it.
COUGH
We’re doing very well, and I am here to say after all these games: look at the prizes we won. Tremendous, really great prizes. Don’t we love the prizes, folks? Joe Biden hates prizes. He’s sleepy with prizes. We’re standing here with them, strongly. It’s the best warmth filling me, climbing like 401(k).
wheeze WHEEZE
I’m feeling better today than I did 20 days from now, and so are you, so am I, it’s what the doctors tell me. I’m so glad to see my friend Herman could make it to the rally today, they said the covid flu got him. But he is. There he is back there, everybody wave. But I’m at this tunnel, in this tunnel, heading towards a light. Small light to big! It’s really light, everyone’s saying it.
Remember when The Onion made Biden look cool? Just do that instead
Please no more “ah, yeah, I know it sucks, but you just gotta vote Biden. Just look at Trump! Gotta punch that card. Pull that lever. Nothing but to go for Joe.”
I feel rage tingling behind my eyes after typing that, it’s like fight-or-flight has kicked in even though I’m just re-reading my own sentence. A statement so loaded that it’s got a hotkey next to autosave.
Think about what it presupposes: even though I am a person with thoughts and feelings–who also loves to make decisions–you bundled up all that and threw it away because “just look at Trump!” You won’t engage with me because “just look at Trump!” It’s hard work to listen to me jabber on about all these stupid reasons and considerations I possess, sure, but convincing another person of anything is one of the most difficult things to do. So do the work or don’t even try.
If you are out there selling people on Biden in the awkward office conversations and the distressed Instagram stories and the Facebook comment threads: please champion the dude. Act like you love him. I’m begging you.
“You just gotta vote Joe because the alternative is worse” is lazy. And lazy loses elections. Sell the goddamn candidate or we’re fucked. christ
A Vote For Biden is a Vote for Spite
There are many people who feel like our political system has failed them. “A vote for Biden and a vote for Trump are both votes for America’s status quo, and I refuse to endorse America.”
If you’ve accepted the idea that the act of voting supports the system that brought us to this brink, then you believe that voting is bad. But on the flip side, abstaining from a vote isn’t a tactic. It’s nothing. (I wrote about that angle four years ago if you feel like taking a long scroll.) Can we improve those outcomes beyond “bad” and “nothing?”
I’d like to think so! There may be other value to voting that appeals to you, one that gives you a “good” reason to vote that outweighs your guilt for doing the “bad” thing of voting.
One fun suggestion– SPITE!
Across the ideological spectrum, people hate Trump. I’m certain there are avowed neo-Nazis who say they love what he’s doing but they can tell he’s a loutish, pathetic asshole. You’d leave any conversation with him feeling bored or attacked; supporters who enjoy “him” are enjoying what he represents, Trump the Man is not enjoyable. He’s living evidence of where cruelty and money can get you. America allows a man like him to succeed, and America sucks for that, no doubt! But if we agree to handle that elsewhere, we can focus on what still feels good about voting.
Voting against Trump is the best chance you’ve got to be a dick to him. He doesn’t read Twitter replies, he doesn’t pound his fist at spying a witty protest sign on the news, you can’t get within a slap’s reach. He’s inoculated from us rando Americans saying “hey buddy fuck you.”
My voting history is all over the place– no need to delve into it here, rest assured I made brilliant decisions you’d have no choice but to respect. One of several reasons (again, all genius) that I’m voting for Biden is that I really love the idea of Trump losing!
Election Night 2020: Trump is down by 15% on what polls suggested, and that gap is expanding. The writing is on the wall. New York prosecutors are going to drop indictments on his entire family on January 21. He’s the biggest loser in world history, and his failure will be remembered for centuries (if we make it that far). This grand failure will be the worst thing that happens to everyone in the Trump administration, and it will stain their interpersonal relationships (it may cause bankruptcies and end marriages!), and they will never forget it. Your ICE-loving, Hannity-hooting step-father is weeping, and this is funny and pleasant.
For Trump, the plan all along was to claim the election was rigged and seize control of the country. He’s ready to announce as much to the nation. But the shame and humiliation of the night, peaking in that moment, leads to a greater stress than he’s ever experienced: he has to run the country knowing that even with all his cheating and rancor, 70% of America hates him. Anticipating his next four days, four weeks, four years, raises his heart rate. His blood pressure spikes, neurons are demanded to fire faster than his atrophied brain will allow; from his election war room, following in the esteemed Dr. Ron Paul’s footsteps, he strokes out on live Fox News. Dead within minutes.
It’s fantastical, but it’s one outcome on an infinite scale that is made ever more possible by your vote. This scenario can happen, the numbers for a 70/30 win are there, just turn out enough “fuck you” votes and suppress enough “I love race war” votes. And then we can all agree that Trump’s body is one mistimed hiccup from shutting down.
If you’re blackpilled, a doomer, if you don’t see how we make it through climate change regardless of this November: you can still make the people who did this to us feel bad. You can punish your enemies. How often do you get that opportunity?
Let’s Game It Out, “I Built a Theme Park of Perpetual Torment in Planet Coaster”
Mr. Bones for the Zoomers. I was laughing out loud for 70% of this video. Out loud.
Smashed Mouths – All Star Deepfake Smashup [wav2lip]
Hoo boy. The song ushering in the end of reality.
Saweetie, “Tap In”
Great to pair with the below vid. This looks stellar and was probably so easy to make. One warehouse, five dancers, three sets, six cars, CGI, done. We’re lucky to live in an era where the basic music videos are still stunning to watch. Song’s hyphy too.
Joywave, “Somebody New”
I saw this video when it first came out, but I’m not sure why I didn’t lock into my brain at the time. This homage to HelixSnake’s legendary Skate videos is an ironclad example of music video pacing. I’ve said it once, I’ll say it a million times: start with a concept and narrative, expanding both until an overwhelming climax– turn the knob from 1 to 10… And then jump it to 20 in the last half-minute.
Jump it like a skateboard jumping the city.
Dorian Electra, “Sorry Bro (I Love You)”
Sent this to most of my friends so now it’s time to send it to the internet.
