https://www.tumblr.com/audio_file/fmchubs/56693711/UElT7P43pfllxlvwbmBHLjS8?plead=please-dont-download-this-or-our-lawyers-wont-let-us-host-audio

Jean Jaques-Perrey- Brazilian Flower

So I just finished totally fuckin’ beasting some Puzzle Quest: Warlords. Aside from texting, calling, the calculator, the E-Z tip calculator, changing the background on my phone obsessively, reading my banner out loud to people, taking pictures of Bear the St. Bernard, and holding it in my hands without playing Puzzle Quest- Puzzle Quest is the most freakin’ dope thing to do on my phone.

I started out as this badass warrior named Havlock (because he “hav lockAM I RITE DOG) who totally reminds me of me with all of his muscles and red hair and barely functional language skills. As soon as you’ve picked your character, the game throws you right into combat- which as we all know, back in medieval times was carried out by solving spatial reasoning puzzles. I wondered how perhaps a wolf or an eagle might handle these puzzles, as the game at first forced me to fight these lesser enemies. I mean, eagles just have talons. Luckily, Havlock got to tackle some harder foes soon enough, from the most literal monsters ever: “Sandghost” and “Treeman,” to the Dark Fey who look like elves except, y’know.. “Dark” “Urban.”

In my Puzzle Quest heyday, (yesterday,) I would march around campus, slaying evil; even letting the Puzzle Quest music blare out of my phone’s tinny little speakers in the middle of the seven student lit class I would be in the middle of. (They’d still keep discussing the signifigance of Rousseau’s use of the word “nature,” god bless ‘em.)
By the end of the game, though, there’s no more puzzle left. It was a little disappointing that I could suddenly kill every wolf I came across with lightning haste. I guess it makes more sense than the beginning of the game where my warrior had to resort to matching gems as opposed to slicing animals with a real weapon, but I didn’t even have a difficult time with the final evil black urban dragon, “Ginnungap,” whose ultimate technique was changing your name to something as stupid as his. Seeing as Havlock was already pretty much at the bottom of that well, I was able to smite the evil Giunnugningagnnnnp within three consecutive turns that didn’t include him attacking once. Then the credits ran, and then the game deleted my character. Good. Great work, phone game. I’ll go back to enjoying my Fergie ringtones.

In short, I just wrote a post about Puzzle Quest! Let this never happen again.

Oh, and the song up there is my theme song for playing the game. I can’t Puzzle Quest effectively without loudly singing that song. I also can’t feel comfortable in social situations without singing that song. I sometimes have difficulty using the facilities without singing the song. It’s that profound.

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