Dear Miranda Kerr,
I’m sorry, but the nothing that we have between each other can no longer continue. The deep emotional void that I once shared with you has now redirected itself, and the empty space that I loved so much has been filled (by even more nothingness). I have fallen in ____ with Cara Delevingne, the wonderful (maybe) freaky (perhaps) vivacious (who knows? not me) love-child of Lindsay Lohan and Linda Blair.
I hope that this does not come as too much of a indifference, but I know that Orlando Bloom will love you with just as much lack.
Brian J K Regan, attorney and cop and friend