Dear Miranda Kerr,

I’m sorry, but the nothing that we have between each other can no longer continue. The deep emotional void that I once shared with you has now redirected itself, and the empty space that I loved so much has been filled (by even more nothingness). I have fallen in ____ with Cara Delevingne, the wonderful (maybe) freaky (perhaps) vivacious (who knows? not me) love-child of Lindsay Lohan and Linda Blair.

I hope that this does not come as too much of a indifference, but I know that Orlando Bloom will love you with just as much lack.

Sincerely,
Brian J K Regan, attorney and cop and friend

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