Fans are petitioning British rock festival Glastonbury to strip Kanye West of his headlining slot. If I wrote hypothetical retorts to every fifteener (so classed for their total minutes of fame), I’d… Well, maybe I’d feel good about my writing habits. But my motivation aside, the wretch at the head of this petition demanded my attention:

Lonsdale says he has no issue with hip-hop or artists from the genre. He stated: “My beef is not with the genre. My beef is with the stage and the fact it’s a headline slot.” He went on to say that West does not “represent anything. His songs are lyrically appalling”, he “totally disrespected Beck” at the Grammys in February and that “his Brits performance was just threatening”.

“I was a little surprised that people have taken it as seriously as they have,” he admitted. “Don’t get me wrong, if it works, then I’ll be more than happy. I’m not surprised it’s popular though. Festivals are about people coming together through their love of music and song, and creating something magical. Look back to Blur in 2009 – One of the band’s seminal moments – 100,000 people chanting “woo-hoo!” – That is what it’s about.”

“Kanye’s lyrics: appalling, threatening, decisively a black man’s. Blur’s woo-hoo’s: magical, seminal, more consciousness-expanding than my own squalling birth.” Lonsdale, don’t go to Glastonbury. You don’t like music. You like drunk white people chanting along to Blur, and we’ve got plenty of hockey games across the pond.

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