Remember when The Onion made Biden look cool? Just do that instead

Please no more “ah, yeah, I know it sucks, but you just gotta vote Biden. Just look at Trump! Gotta punch that card. Pull that lever. Nothing but to go for Joe.”

I feel rage tingling behind my eyes after typing that, it’s like fight-or-flight has kicked in even though I’m just re-reading my own sentence. A statement so loaded that it’s got a hotkey next to autosave.

Think about what it presupposes: even though I am a person with thoughts and feelings–who also loves to make decisions–you bundled up all that and threw it away because “just look at Trump!” You won’t engage with me because “just look at Trump!” It’s hard work to listen to me jabber on about all these stupid reasons and considerations I possess, sure, but convincing another person of anything is one of the most difficult things to do. So do the work or don’t even try.

If you are out there selling people on Biden in the awkward office conversations and the distressed Instagram stories and the Facebook comment threads: please champion the dude. Act like you love him. I’m begging you.

“You just gotta vote Joe because the alternative is worse” is lazy. And lazy loses elections. Sell the goddamn candidate or we’re fucked. christ

The New York Times, “An Extremely Detailed Map of the 2016 Presidential Election”

Oh christ I’m half-staff at this map. Gimme that granular data. I don’t even care about what they’re trying to show me, I’m tracking down precincts where like 8 people voted for Trump and 5 for Hillary. Could move there and make an actual difference, change the world. Combine this with Google Streetview. Show me the houses and color them red and blue. I’m an explorer.

EDIT: “Brian what are you rambling on about now, how could you possibly find anything interest-” motherfucker i just uncovered the dark truth that 80% of the Area 51 aliens voted for Trump, how was your Friday evening with wine and friends you cur

area51 vote

Each scandal of the Trump presidency is crystallizing what it takes to oust him.

Once more, Trump tells us that what could very well be an act of malfeasance is actually a silly mistake— Sessions “could have stated his response more accurately, but it was clearly not intentional.” Whoopsie-daisy, Baby Jeffy did an uh-oh!

It’s the same timbre of a friend of yours asking you for the benefit of the doubt. And it works for his constituents. If your friend admits to human error, you typically let it slide, right? “Ah, sorry, forgot that I owe you $20. I’ll have it next time!” Sure, okay. The fact that we bro down will probably always be worth more than that $20. It’s important to have friends, and so they get leeway. Authority figures, like cops, schoolteachers, politicians— they get (and obviously deserve!) less.

But if George W. Bush was the president you could drink a beer with, Trump is the president you get drunk with. His fans have already done just that, weekly, seasonally, on their sofas in front of The Apprentice. He’s their friend, the same way we watch the Kardashians and insist we’d be instant bffs upon meeting (I’m def changing my name to “Krian”), the same way I watch Parks and Recreation with the assurance the ensemble would hate me (no wait i should probably go with “Crian”)— we get really personal with the characters we enjoy, and never has a president held such a “personal” connection with his intended audience and key demos. And how do they take it?

Mr. Sessions forgot TWO meetings with a single Russian? That’s nothin. Hell I’ve forgotten at least three job interviews this year!
*wedges chaw in gumline*
Sometimes I even “forget” to pay my tab at the Waffle House!
*guffaws, shoves chaw nugget in nostril*
Them boys’re just doing the best they can up there in the White House. Lord knows I’d have a tough time of it, and I’m the smartest one in this whole holler!
*stores a loaded handgun within easy reach of his twin toddlers: Jenkem Jr. and Big Pup*
Yep us three are the only ones who ain’t trickled away yet after the perpetual coalfire kicked off in the mine 60 years ago. The last’a Centralia!
*tear ducts leak a dipspit & Dew slurry*
anyway i’m unemployed because Obummer executive ordered it. rail me trump-daddy

I’m not sure how this relationship lends itself to new strategy for the opposition. I just think we’ll see, again and again, requests for us to forgive the Trump administration for human error, even though we really really really really need our president to be better than all of us. Our president should be inhuman in her perfection.

It’s great that Sessions recused himself, I didn’t expect anything to come of his Russia revelation.
But in order to be convincing and not just an obstruction, we gotta prove willful malevolence. Anything else looks like drama-fueled nitpicking from another clique across the lunchroom, an attack on semantics meant to be heard by people who are more likely to make a joke about semen-tics than listen to you. We need to find Trump’s secret Burn Book and then paste photocopies up and down the hallway lockers for all the rubes to see. Nothing else will drive a wedge into the bonhomie between prom king and pals.

until they begin dying off in droves without healthcare or money or food or compassion and get a lot less Mean Girls and a lot more Carrie 😈
 

Obama Endorsements on Wikipedia

I abso-fruit-ly love that the mayor of a city in Japan named “Obama” is probably endorsing him for the simple reason that.. The dude runs Obama.

Also a woman by the name of Fontaine Maverick, who is the great granddaughter of one Samuel Maverick, who the word MAVERICK WAS INVENTED FOR.

Also Hayden Panettiere.

In short: Vote Nader. Peace!

Obama Endorsements on Wikipedia