#TBT: Mike Piel Birthday Rap.txt

I wrote this a year and a half ago and rapped it as a voicemail for my friend. It’s at least funny to me.

hey Mike Piel it’s your birthday
hope all the honeys be doin like the birds say
chirp chirp hey
yeah they be hollerin
uh oh my vocab is falterin
better try to find some other words
to share with Mike Piel cause it’s his birthday
uh hope that it’s great and eat lots of pie
shit wait I mean cake that would have rhymed
oh goddamnit where was I going
this rap is a mess and now my dick’s showing
on the sidewalk, nobody look at me
please, stop, stop it


Buckwheat Groats, “Take Yourself Out Tha Game”

When a buddy showed this to me for the first time yesterday, he explained that it wasn’t popular because it was “kinda dark.” While I’m not about to go bring up suicide as a first date conversation topic, I hadn’t thought about how much it could push people away from watching this. Mostly because I don’t think this video is making fun of suicide. It’s making fun of cloying hip-hop motivationals, breathy and piano-backed, in which the rapper breaks character in order to inspire you back on your feet… When just last song he was rhyming about killing all of his enemies and friends. For those listeners who require authenticity in their musicians, those types of pick-me-ups are a gross violation of their own taste, and deserve to be mocked.

About two hours ago I was talking with a friend about some of our favorite South Park episodes: anything with Mitch Connors, Cartman’s manipulative masterminding handpuppet. It’s not so much that the dialogue gets cranked up courtesy of Mitch, or that the plots are master-crafted, but that Cartman holds conversations with his own hand, and the show goes to such lengths to make it seem like any normal TV back-and-forth while also never breaking the physics of the fact that this kid’s hand is attached to him and doesn’t have a mind of its own. The reason these episodes stand out to me in the 15-or-so seasons of South Park I’ve watched are that they aren’t just well-written, but they are making fun of TV itself. Here its a different medium but the same story: Buckwheat Groats (rap classics Penis Bailey and Lil Dinky) write rhymes that flow and manage a couple surprising punchlines, much like Lonely Island; in the same vein as the self-proclaimed Kings of Joke Rap, Groats are also devoted rap fans who know how to turn the genre on its head.


Early Bird Special: Todor & Petru go all Tetsuo on the Venom Symbiote to the tune of “Judgment Day” by The Thunderclaps in this coffee-and-caffeine-mixing live-action/animation hybrid from CRCR.


My generation is coming close to being the reigning artists and critics, and that’s why a video like this gets made. A video so influenced by Japanese pop culture, hyper-active action, and the hoods of the world.

I am super excited for the years to come.