dude stop i’m killing me with all this laffing

edit: my favorite part of me here is how quickly i can shift from professional to bizarre and back again. me me me. meme. whoah

It may look like convincing me to send dick pics is as effortless as taking a dick pic on the highway, but this was before market value shot up to $100. Couldn’t have done it without my patron!

GIRLS ARE PRETTY: Fist-Bump Forever Day!


You and your buddy Greg are best friends and you always have been best friends and last night you both died in a car wreck. Your wives just found your wills.

“Greg’s will has a weird request,” Greg’s widow tells your widow.

“Oh God, his too?” your widow tells Greg’s widow.

You and Greg, in a…

Ever since the Daily What got bought up and neutered, Tumblr has felt empty. I suppose most blogs built on one idea (Depressed Copywriter, Corporate Twits) dry up once the excitement’s past but it’s weird to realize how little popular writing there is on the network (unless I’m missing something). There’s always Coke Talk/Dear Coquette as a well of snark and self-actualization, and comedian tumblrs like Megan Amram’s or Rob Delaney’s scarce longform pieces, but it’s rare to see someone writing daily humor fiction on Tumblr and, also, anywhere on the Internet.

Girls Are Pretty Forever isn’t always amazing. But it is a singular voice with a cynical, distinct style, and I wake up and it’s always there. Not to mention that it does often hit the mark, as it does in this offering about bros from a few days back.

Whatever day it is, have a good one!

GIRLS ARE PRETTY: Fist-Bump Forever Day!

Following up on my Trayvon Ranting

Today I went back to the same Facebook status and joined up with some folks who were still debating on the same side as me, but politely. I provided two papers that show evidence of inequality between white and black folks alongside some magazine thinkpieces someone else had linked. One of the guys I was yelling at told us that he had no idea the professional/wealth gap between races was so imbalanced and he thanked us. The other two dudes just melted away into the shadows.

Maybe that’s the technique— enter like a raging lunatic to show that I’m passionate and trigger the other side’s smug superiority complex, then suddenly become eloquent and rational after a quick apology. Plus maybe looking wildly uneven will scare off the weaker-willed. idk lol just talkin to ppl on FB!

Classification of demons – Wikipedia

In 1589, a German bishop/Buffy named Peter Binsfeld decided to come up with a classification system for demons. John Constantine meets Linnaeus, minus any sort of verifiable data. What I appreciated was that he listed the seven princes of Hell, each one associated with a sin. I knew a number of these names as different guises the devil went by, but had no idea that Leviathan was even related to the Great Satan, and I’ve never heard of Belphegor before (but i’m definitely stealing it for Mike and I’s screenplay).

Classification of demons – Wikipedia

I need an app that will find the ratio of # likes to # of total friends on your Facebook profile’s posts, then averages the ratios into one final number calculating exactly how much people really like you. you could even arrange the data for different periods of time to see if people enjoy you more around your birthday or were less partial to be friendly when you moved in with your girlfriend.

*kicks feet back on mahogany desk, puffs cigar*
yeah…….. that’s the ticket

BACK-TO-BACK REVIEWS: Mike Piel tackles “Skyfall”

Here’s a guest post from my roommate and punch-provider, Mike Piel. He was really excited about Skyfall.

Audiences were spoiled by the humanity and accessibility of CASINO ROYALE, both of which are heartbreakingly absent in Sam Mendes’s muddled, overly-processed 23rd installment to the franchise.

SKYFALL’s opening benefits from Bond having a clear mission, and allows for one of the most effective moments of the film: Bond must get the missing hard drive from the bad guy. M orders Bond to leave a dying agent in order to continue the chase. Bond hesitates, and the audience thinks, does he, under that GQ scruff, have a heart after all? This could have been the film’s central dilemma, but the moment is forgotten, like many of the intriguing threads of the film.

The action sequences are unfocused, and jump spastically from set piece to set piece. Bond destroys half a city market and a train chasing down the bad guy. His quickest-time-between-two-points-is-a-straight-line efficiency has vanished. Remember CASINO’s simple open, Bond fist fighting a guy in a bathroom? The film moves between the hyper realistic and the absurd, hoping that somewhere in between a tone of believability is created. Instead, like the action sequences, it perpetually frustrates itself.

The main plot, that every undercover MI6 agent’s identity has leaked, is forgotten halfway through the film, and replaced with Javier Bardem’s monomaniacal plot to kill M. Bardem is convincing and terrifying, but overburdened with super villain eccentricities. A bizarre moment of tension occurs when Bardem attempts to seduce Bond, which is great, but never comes back. He removes a jaw plate, revealing his horrible deformities due to a cold decision made by M years earlier, which is great. But doesn’t come back.

Major plot points become reliant on CG techno babble. During a confusing scene in London’s underground, Q pleads with the audience: “This was his plan the whole time!”

The filmmakers are terrified they will lose their audience’s attention, and instead of building off earlier plot points, drag us along on an up and down, achingly linear path to… rural Scotland? Bardem and Craig have a good ol’ fashioned shoot out in Bond’s childhood home, allowing Craig to change into his Fall 2012 woodsman outfit. But whatever personal problems Craig and Bardem are working out up there, it seems inconsequential to the leaked identities of all those MI6 agents.

The film’s main theme is: Can Bond survive in the digital age? The answer is unfortunately, no, he can’t. While Bond is running, motorcycling, and getting older, people are dying.