Not trying to put him on blast, I suspect Zach Dionne co-opted this phrase after seeing my own use and it’s cool that I’ve affected anything ever

ultrafacts:

justanewworldfool:

ultrafacts:

Want more facts / post like this? follow the Ultrafacts Blog!

So the ultimate attention grabber would be a hot woman or man with a plate of food and an automatic machine gun?

YO RUINED CHILDHOOD I KNOW YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT ONE ANGRY DUDE BUT IF YOU KEEP SHARING THESE STUPID-ASS UNSOURCED BORING HACKNEYED “ULTRAFACTS” IN MISGUIDED PROMOTIONAL ATTEMPTS, I’M GOING TO UNFOLLOW YOU. I DON’T CARE HOW FUNNY YOUR POSTS ARE, AS SOON AS I (AND I THINK I SPEAK FOR MANY PEOPLE) FEEL LIKE I’M BEING ADVERTISED TO, I’M GOING TO TUNE OUT. THIS IS HAM-HANDED. YOU WIN OVER CARELESS CHILDREN WHO POUNCE ON ANYTHING THEY CAN USE TO ASSERT THEIR INTELLECTUAL SUPERIORITY AND PUSH AWAY THOSE WHO CRITICALLY CONSUME CONTENT, THOSE WHO WOULD ULTIMATELY BE YOUR MOST VALUABLE CUSTOMERS. HAVE YOU BEEN ON THE INTERNET BEFORE? HAVE YOU EVER PUT YOURSELF IN THE SHOES OF THE PEOPLE WHOSE TIME YOU’RE WASTING ON THIS SHIT? YOU DON’T MAKE A PRODUCT AND THEN DUMP IT ON PEOPLE UNTIL THEY LIKE IT, YOU MAKE A PRODUCT GOOD ENOUGH THAT PEOPLE’S BRAINS CANNOT RESIST NOTICING IT.

HOW’S THAT FOR A FUCKING ULTRAFACT.

I’M UNFOLLOWING AFTER THE NEXT POST LIKE THIS AND I DON’T GIVE A FUCK JUST HOW YAWNING THIS VOID IS

savetheworldlikekeanu replied: lol. i definitely understand. good look! remember to LOG OUT so if you’re tempted to hit the login screen and possibly delete your saved tumblr login. if you have to enter info then possibly less likely to login.

haha I appreciate the tips! Tumblr itself isn’t too addictive, I only follow enough people that it’s pretty easy for me to keep up with my dash. I just have two oppositional needs right now:

  1. I am once again at a stage in my life (not just “freshly unemployed”) where I am able and want to write myself into a job.
  2. I’ve regularly updated a blog since I was 12 years old, with this tumblr in particular for five years as of last month. My Livejournal was, naturally, for sharing the details of my life (and ran concurrently with the tumblr for about half a year), but Wampoholic was created as a way to practice my writing publicly and with low stakes.

Unfortunately, social media, the security & demands of my former job, and my own distractable nature helped me form a mindset of constant content creation: what I write on Twitter is not what I write on Facebook and isn’t what is posted on tumblr, with Instagram as its own isolated sphere. If anyone were insane enough to track me on all of these, it might become clear that I wake up in the morning, find inspiration, and then dilute it across all these fronts. A linked article and scattered thoughts about the Braves here, a bon mot status on the topic engineered to gobble likes over there, and constant vomiting, topical or not, on Twitter. It means I get eyeballs, keep a wicked pace, and sure, I’m “practicing writing…” But I’m not working on Writing.

So now it’s about using the internet for inspiration, same as it ever was, but extracting that inspiration from the internet and examining it far away from the internet. I mentioned not wanting to write a post for two hours every other day; instead, I would like to spend ten hours on one piece each week. I get caught up in the whirlwind speed of internet communication, and convince myself that it’s better to be fast than to be deep— but speed only matters when hungry readers gnash their teeth, and I have, like, three readers. Two are satiated and one is my dad. I’m doing things backwards.

Maybe what I write will turn up here, but some will be scripts and some will be submitted for exclusive publication. That’s why I spent awhile last week queuing up a month of posts: my energy is getting directed elsewhere, but this stream-of-consciousness archive is too integral to my identity for me to even feel like it’s withering on the vine to those imaginary readers (dad included, sorry, i lied, yr the only real one). Now I can write misplaced-guiltfree, and even feel a little surprise when I check my own tumblr! Plus, any future project of mine will be rightfully highlighted on this shrine to me.

tl;dr There are going to be way more one-liner captioned photos than usual until I’m not worried about making rent anymore.

As of now I have 36 posts queued up, posting at 5pm for the next 36 days, and I hope to add a few more soon. I’m trying to funnel my writing efforts into certain specific projects rather than spreading myself thin. I’ll still be posting the stuff I like, but less long rambles & rants. Basically I would like to stop spending 2-3 hours on a tumblr post every other day. I know, I know:

sketchballbrigade:

Had a long and slightly frustrating talk with my donor representative on the drive home from Nancy’s, dropped my stuff at home and fed the girl, took that makeup improv class (despite ending up in a group with three people from my 101 I wasn’t fond of the teacher or pretty much anyone else), went grocery shopping for me and then for the kitten, then returned to the house and cleaned a bit. Such excite.

I finished the last line, and saw below it “49,338 notes” and I thought to myself “Hm, I guess it was excite!”

And then I thought to myself “Wow, that’s a classic no-pants watergirl!”

Riff Raff tweeted a picture of a porn star modeling a collaboration tank-top (him and Neff) which I won’t be sharing in the interest of keeping pastie-escaping areola away from my tumblr (and saved to my desktop, where it oughta be). However, I didn’t realize she was a porn star until I clicked through to her tumblr and was greeted by this header:

Which is probably the dek I would write for my own tumblr if I was in porn.

emmyc:

swimdeepinwavves:

it is a mystery // u will have to listen to find out what the songs are

001. it is a mystery | 002. it is a mystery | 003. it is a mystery | 004. it is a mystery | 005. it is a mystery | 006. it is a mystery | 007. it is a mystery | 008. it is a mystery | 009. it is a mystery | 010. it is a mystery 

listen here

woah

HOLY JESUS BONIN SWEET SEXY GOD, MAMBO NUMBER HONK

GIRLS ARE PRETTY: Fist-Bump Forever Day!

girlsareprettyforever:

You and your buddy Greg are best friends and you always have been best friends and last night you both died in a car wreck. Your wives just found your wills.

“Greg’s will has a weird request,” Greg’s widow tells your widow.

“Oh God, his too?” your widow tells Greg’s widow.

You and Greg, in a…

Ever since the Daily What got bought up and neutered, Tumblr has felt empty. I suppose most blogs built on one idea (Depressed Copywriter, Corporate Twits) dry up once the excitement’s past but it’s weird to realize how little popular writing there is on the network (unless I’m missing something). There’s always Coke Talk/Dear Coquette as a well of snark and self-actualization, and comedian tumblrs like Megan Amram’s or Rob Delaney’s scarce longform pieces, but it’s rare to see someone writing daily humor fiction on Tumblr and, also, anywhere on the Internet.

Girls Are Pretty Forever isn’t always amazing. But it is a singular voice with a cynical, distinct style, and I wake up and it’s always there. Not to mention that it does often hit the mark, as it does in this offering about bros from a few days back.

Whatever day it is, have a good one!

GIRLS ARE PRETTY: Fist-Bump Forever Day!

All Art No Pay

A collection of Craigslist ads seeking creative work but without compensation.

While all these employers are assholes, I would write to the appealing offers and say “hey this is my rate” and then I may be the only person who contacted them once they’re desperate and realize they won’t get anyone for free. #bidness

All Art No Pay