I’m convinced at this point that gaming journalists are not even gamers themselves. I mean, how long can you ignore the truth that’s been exposed about Anita Sarkeesian [x] while turning your back to the core gaming audience that fucking loathe her existence all in the name of being ‘progressive’? Perhaps they just don’t want to be labeled as misogynists by fucktard feminists that write for Jezebel and Kotaku. Perhaps feminists have no place in the gaming community because they think playing Angry Birds makes them fucking gamers.

Everyone knows that in the gaming world you leave politics and world views at the door and everyone is a bitch, faggot and nigger by default. If you don’t know that and can’t accept that as customary in our world then you’re not a gamer, you’re a filthy casual and you should shut the fuck up about video games. There is no underlying misogynistic agenda or boys club. You perceive those exist because you can’t understand that we don’t hate you because you’re female, we hate you because your personality sucks and you’re a fucking liar.

I’ve been seeking out tumblrs that have large reader bases and polar-opposite views of my own and sniping random posts that bother me, but I’m realizing that it’s more about me feeling powerful than actually teaching someone something (because you can’t teach anyone anything over the internet, duh, first rule of posting words). Plus, I’m pretty sure I’m the only person over the age of 16 on tumblr.

So I wanted to attack the exclusionary logic of the second paragraph (I fucking still want to) but instead I’m just gonna relate my story.

I’ve played video games my entire life. I remember trying to help my mom play Zelda before I was even attending school. My love for glitch & pixel art plus 8-bit music makes it clear to me that my approach to culture is seriously (hilariously) informed by my gaming history.

One of the first online games I played was Warcraft III. Like every game I enjoy, I was obsessed. I preferred custom matches where the objectives could be shifted to create things like tower defense or the precursors to DoTA and League of Legends. Matches that offered new, innovative challenges and kept the emphasis on interesting gameplay.

If I ever participated in a ranked team match, I found something curious; if my team began an inexorable slide down the slopes of Scrub Mountain, my stomach filled with a sinking feeling— like a rollercoaster plunge for two minutes straight —to the point where I wouldn’t even want to struggle anymore and just give up. This sensation only comes with multiplayer games, and it increases as the gap widens between my team and the victors.

I’ve never consistently had friends who game online with me. Sometimes we have different consoles, or I buy a game long after anyone else is interested in it, or I only want to play offbeat weird shit. Nearly all of my online gaming was done with random teammates… And it literally (literally) nauseated me because of the type of talk described up there.

What might surprise you given my fey, wimpy take on most topics is that I can roll with punches: if rivals call me a “faggot,” I hear “winner.” Besides, the other team isn’t going to give you tactical tips, so why not mute them in the first place? My discomfort comes from my own teammates.

I don’t want to play a multi-player game for the sake of playing a game. I want to play a multi-player game to slap together some camaraderie, to maybe learn better evasion tactics with TF2’s Scout by witnessing and supporting my rando team members. These days, I can’t find that randomly. I can only find people who scream blame at me and exacerbate that sensation of my stomach slipping out my ass. There’s only people who gloat and trash. People who don’t even see the team and, as a result, the game… They just see the ranking ladder.

I admit, I’ve met and even online-befriended a few other gamers. It’s still no longer worth it to dig through the pile of haters for those few gems.

So I don’t do it. A friend gave me a copy of DoTA months ago that remains untouched, while another convinced me to play through the tutorial of LoL until I realized that the game wasn’t exciting me. It only made me nervous for the inevitable moment when I’d “fail” anyone (or even my buddy!) If I’m playing because I have to do it right in order to avoid consequences, that isn’t a game. That’s just another responsibility a.k.a. the shit I’m trying to forget about when I play games.

I wouldn’t include this next chunk in a real publication because it ain’t humble but it’s probably the part that makes me most sad and there is a point to my bragging if you stick with it and most of all I want to share feeeeelings: if anyone gave me a chance they would realize that games come as a second nature to me. When I play something for the first time, my brain defaults to test mode: I try and jump to obviously out-of-bounds areas. I cast spells on friendly characters because I want to see if the programmers accounted for player choices like that (and if they happen to burst into flame I feel pangs of regret). I experiment with character limits (“sure, I can hold down the dash button to move quickly… but what about the forward momentum from the three-slash combo?”).

Then, with those rules established for myself, solving puzzles and developing tactics for new enemies & bosses comes to me quick: advanced variations on an enemy design means the weak points will vary similarly. If I already know that boulders can be rolled down hills, it’s likely that I will have to roll a boulder at some point to progress. I find secrets by noticing spaces that would otherwise make no sense given what I know about the game (nobody designs an empty room in a video game; shit needs purpose). On top of that, my lifetime of play has afforded me killer hand-eye coordination (which might explain my tendency toward Sniper classes in shooters [also juggling]). I may be shitty at a lot of things (all sports come to mind) but I think I’m being fair when I testify that I am really quite good at video games.

I’m not expecting anyone to say “great job, your creepy devotion to games makes your thoughts on the matter more valid.” I am expecting someone to say “toughen up, dickhead teens aren’t going anywhere, fucking casual,” but I think that’s missing the point, too.

I only want to point out how sad it is that a kid like me, a kid who still buys t-shirts referencing his favorite 90s Japanese RPGs, a kid fascinated by pixelated landscapes just as much as the sensation of executing a 360 noscope, is the same kid who gave up on playing with others because the community is toxic.



Patent Pending’s “Hey Mario” makes me want a WiiU.

You’re a next level bro.

If this had come out when I was 11 years old, I’m near certain its combo of slick power-pop and Mario mini-references would make me listen to it more than nearly any other song out there… But I’d also be totally sick of it a couple years in because of how straightforward it is. Moderation in music and Mario is something I’ve picked up. (But no moderation required for GTA V lol not moving much guys)

Resident Evil 5 PC Mod – Wesker Crows

Part 2. If none of the words in the title make sense to you, just know that the vid creator slapped the model of one of the game’s characters on all of the crows in the game. Got it? Skip to 2:25 for the chance to see art/humor that was not possible five years ago. I know, “art” sounds hyperbolic, but this is as legit as any other remix— and funnier.

Spider-Man’s Most Embarrassing Moment

Part 1 in a two-part series featuring video games inadvertently offering comedy. The designers must have known what they were doing. Who would create this sequence and then say “yeah, the player is gonna be really bummed they messed that up. Lettin’ S-Man just forget his main power. This’ll have some gravity.”

The Magical Kingdom of Zeal

Chrono Trigger’s floating island full of magi-supremacists gets revamped with Wind Waker’s cel-shaded stylings. I’m not sorry if that doesn’t make sense to you, cause it makes more sense than most things to me.

The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening “Playaround” TAS

A Youtube comment puts it well: “I actually feel sorry for the game.” It becomes a testament to the programmers that this game can function after such glitch-fueled violation. Link plays a knight like a drum as a laughing alligator leaps from a lake of fire— yeah.. I’m just gonna put it up on a projector for visuals at my next party.